So much to say,
I'm just not sure how to put it.
It's funny these things that make up "presence".
You know, like really being in the moment,
really going day by day, hoping it'll get better
or stay better,
or just stop all together.
It depends on the day, most mornings seem rough until I have my coffee, I realized I have a ritual now, 2 spoons of coffee, 2 and a half sugars, no milk, rigorously stirred and medium-hot to drink in about 10 minutes. After 10 minutes I find it lukewarm and absolutely repulsive, and before 5 minutes after the boiling hot water has infused the cup and it's ingredient, I find it too confrontational and tasteless, it's a delicate balance for me - the perfect cup of coffee.
Kind of like my life -a delicate balance of emotions driven by an over zealous extrovert(self diagnosed) - oh great, what's new?
Well I'm trying to figure out how a person like me thrives in the bigger picture, you know, of life : further than just the present, further than my day to day, further than my daylight addiction to coffee and mundane procedures turned rituals turned actual superstitions, I am just so curious.
Like what will lead me to stop being me and start being an adult.
I think that's my biggest worry right now, when do my adult duties kick in?
And like will someone let me know?
And like what does it really mean?
I'm all for independence but co-dependence has it's pros. Kinda like a single person feeling lonely or a person in a relationship feeling closed in - trapped.
ironically I think about the abundant availability of irony all the time, I think about it's ties with coincidence, if I'm the only one who realizes that everything we do is essentially ironic and therefore contradictory and therefore non beneficiary and therefore existentialism comes into play. That real abstract shit, I'm talking that Waiting for Godot Samuel L Becket - Pozzo's stream of consciousness turned monologue type shit.
That's the cyclical nature of life, and that's why I think I'm calmer than I've ever been lately (presently) because I've accepted this uncontrollable aspect of being alive,
and that allows for some introspection,
and some retrospection,
and some perspective,
and a certain notion that eventually every thing will be okay in the end,
and being anxious until the end isn't a fun way to live
and if life isn't fun than I don't believe it's worth living
- plain and simple.
Stay present, stay laughing, stay grateful
- the bigger picture allows for it kid.