I Forgive You

I Forgive You

Charming, kind and affectionate – that’s what you were. You constantly surprised me with a love that only existed in fairy tales. I mean, it’s seldom that a woman like me meets a man so beautiful and fully-rounded, encompassing remarkable attributes of the man of my dreams. Tall, dark and handsome (sounds cliché’ but so true), with a beautifully sculptured physique. Sure, I gotta give it to – you are the perfect cross between an Armani model and an NBA basketball player. There’s something to be said about them “African” brothers that get us women hypnotised in your sexiness.

Needless to say, I loved you right from the start. Hell, at some point I know I had enough love for the both of us. You see, sometimes we think we have enough love to keep the relationship going, not knowing how easy it is to cross the line between love…and obsession. There isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do for you. Taking care of you became the norm – breakfast, lunch, supper – you never had to ask twice. That’s what happens when you confirm your partner as your responsibility. You convince yourself that they “NEED YOU”. You don’t realize that you’re only feeding YOUR NEED that affirms your self-appointed role and purpose in his life, and he probably doesn’t really need you – he is just riding the wave!

But hey, I was all too happy to strut around in my 6-inch Aldo’s picking up after you and then when the clock strikes 9pm, I’d be in a sexy number ready to escort you to the club. Yeah, you were the man – I was the gorgeous woman in your arm with a model’s figure, I was always dressed to the nines with my weave always up to date. Not only did I cover my bills but yours too. I mean really, how on earth could I expect you to maintain my expensive taste and lifestyle. Of course you were shocked when I asked you to move in with me at my new house in the North. “JACKPOT!” I could just see you air-punching as that thought sunk in. The truth is, someone had to do something about our living conditions, a tiny 1 bedroom flat was just not gonna cut it for me, where would I put my vintage piano, my art collection and my shoes. I had to forget about that walk-in closet that I always dreamt about, it was time to share my space, love is definitely blind.

But, I forgive you.

I could tell that you were long gone from this relationship the minute we started fighting about other women. The signs were all there. The numerous calls in the middle of the night, the random text messages from every whore in JHB – I convinced myself that what was blatantly staring me in the eye was just my paranoia getting the best of me. Like I said, you were long gone from this relationship. I’ve seen you checking my friends out and literally salivating as they walked on by. You see, you’re hot. You are like fire, but you’re the fire that burns and they know it.

I was so naïve in thinking throwing a tantrum would change or improve your behaviour. But instead of shaping-up, I saw your hand trying to grab my best friend’s thigh as she was passed out on the backseat of MY Merc that YOU were driving like your own. When I confronted you about it, you entertained me for a moment and the BAM! – To my shock and disbelief, I got a slap right across the face. You see this is how it always went down, you mess up, disrespect me, hit on my friends and when I call you up on it – I get a beating.

Strange world we live in because I’ve seen this type of neurotic behaviour in movies but to experience it first-hand was on another level? I completely blacked-out! The reality was, you had walked out that door months ago. I should have known from the time you shoved me out of MY car in the middle of the night in JHB. Tasj was always expecting a call in the middle of the night as I would constantly cry to them looking for comfort. But what could they do?, they were in Cape Town. Like I said, you were long gone from this relationship. Physically you might still be here, but you walked out that door ages ago.

But…I forgive you.

You dragged me from the street to the house clinching my throat and sucking the life out of me. You kicked me like a stray dog, you punched me and threw me from one wall to the next. Remember when you beat me up so badly that I couldn’t move my arm for a week? I swear I think I was more concerned about how I was would make your dinner that night because I was afraid you’d go and eat at some other woman’s house. I remember you dragging me through broken glass pieces. Even if you had thrown me out of my own house, I’d still beg you to take me back. The cuts, the bruises, the swollen face and constant headaches – no one knew the pain of each injury as I covered it all up with makeup. But that’s just the physical pain which would go away in a week or so, the emotional trauma was one that drove me to the bottle all the time. I couldn’t handle it.

But…I forgive you.

The police were here by the way. It’s amazing that I have gone to them for help so many times before and all I got was an interdict, but today, they were asking me questions about some crime that you committed and wanted to put you in jail. Justice system my sexy behind – you’ve beaten me up so many times and they didn’t see the need to put you behind bars but when they suspect that you were part of some hijacking criminal act – they are quick to put you in a cell. I’m glad they found you. I hope the time in that cell will force you to think about what you have done to me for the past 2 years. At least my tears were not in vain. You are where you belong. Each second and minute that you spend there, is a reflection of push, every slap across the face and every tear I cried because of your beatings.

But, I forgive you.

I forgive you because you weren’t born like this. I forgive you because you turned into this cruel and volatile excuse for a man that I couldn’t recognize anymore.

I forgive you because I have remembered my worth again. I forgive you for lying, for cheating and stealing from me what I can never get back. I forgive you for destroying my values and beliefs.

I forgive you because I know you weren’t always like this. I forgive you because I know that you have deeper issues that I can’t help you with. I forgive you for so many things and for so many reasons.

But I truly forgive you because I know that God will deal with you in His own way. I forgive you because what you did to me is unforgivable. So I am learning to forgive you every day.


Written by a friend of a DIVA